Laying in the Gutters
by nessa-melwasul
Summary: All of us are laying in the gutters; only some of us are looking up at the stars.


Hmm… Yeah. These are just scenes that are not necessarily in order, though the song lyrics all came from "Cemetery Drive" by My Chemical Romance. I suggest you listen to their latest album… Yes. The scenes are so short that they're not even worth calling ficlets. They're just snippets, if that.

Enjoy.

"All of us are laying in the gutters; only some of us are looking up at the stars."

Oscar Wilde

* * *

_cemetery drive_

"How much leave did they give you?"

"Four weeks, same as you 'n Dad."

She laughs, a hollow reflex that means nothing. "Yeah, I figured... I guess I meant to ask you how long you're staying." He starts to answer, but she's not looking at him, so she goes on. "What'll it be, Captain? First thing tomorrow morning as usual?" He mumbles, something she's not used to. Maybe he didn't even say anything at all. Maybe she's just going crazy. "What? I didn't hear you."

"I said, four weeks is four weeks, Kara. I'm staying for four weeks, and longer if need be. Don't get all defensive on me or anything... I don't really want to fight with you for four weeks."

"Oh."

They stand and stare for a little longer.

* * *

_this night, walk the dead_

"I don't want to go to bed tonight," she calls.

"Why's that." And now it's her turn to mumble out an answer; or maybe he just can't hear her through the closed bathroom door and the running water of the sink. He flips the water off and opens the door, tugging a shirt on. It catches on his ear. "Why's that, Kara?" He pulls the shirt over his head.

"Nightmares."

"Oh." He runs a hand through still-wet hair, shaking it a little. "Well, I'll be on your couch if you need me." The joke isn't funny at all. She smiles a little anyway.

* * *

_in a solitary style_

They wake up every morning and go running together at the crack of dawn. Old Academy tradition. He's almost glad that she never went running with Zak, and gladder that she kept running by herself anyhow. They run the old paths, avoiding the blocks of marching cadets. At the fork in the shady path, he leaves her, every time. She goes left, to the cemetery, to talk to Zak. He just runs. Eventually they find each other again.

They don't exchange words in the morning till after the run. New Academy tradition.

* * *

_and crash the cemetery gates_

The first morning, she runs harder and longer and faster than she has in a long time. When she gets there, the cemetery gates are chained and padlocked. Her breaths sound like sobs, and maybe they are. She sits for an hour and waits, drawing swirls in the dust on the ground with her finger. At length, a groundskeeper approaches. He recognizes her and opens the lock readily.

On the other 27 mornings, the chains are absent. She likes it better that way.

* * *

_in the dress your husband hates_

"You look bad in black," he comments, falling to the couch.

"Yeah, well..." She sits on the edge of her coffee table -- no, THEIR coffee table -- and doesn't say anything for a few moments. Then she smiles, just a little. "That's what Zak always tells me about this dress." When it's apparent that Lee isn't going to make a comment, she says, "We went to a couple weddings, fancy things... stuff like that. 'Functions.' He doesn't like the dress. Thinks it's frumpy... or something."

"Yeah, well..." Lee shrugs. "He's right. It's the blackness, it's depressing."

"Maybe today is just a kind of a black day."

"Yeah, well..."

Kara is more becoming in colors, really. Or at least, that's Lee's opinion many years later.

* * *

_way down, mark the grave_

"Come with me."

He hates saying no, but he does it anyway. "I don't want to."

"Lee..."

He hates snapping at her, but he does it anyway. "Look, I'll go back when I want to, okay? I mean, lords, it hasn't even been two weeks yet."

He hates it when she glares at him, but she does it anyway. "Yeah, and you're out of leave in seventeen days."

He hates it when she surprises him, but she does it anyway. "You're counting?"

"Yeah. It's been eleven."

* * *

_where the search lights find us_

"We should go out."

She eyes him rather suspiciously. "Out?"

He shrugs. "Yeah, like, I don't know... Out. To dinner. For drinks. Gambling. I don't know. Out. To relax."

She shrugs. "Fine. Out it is."

The metro deposits them in the middle of the downtown area. It's a pilot's town, and the most prominent fact that pronounces it as a pilot's town is the cheapness of liquor. They amble down streets and alleyways tainted by the smell of cheap beer, but every place has Zak's scent in it for her. The enticing sound of music and laughter floats out at them, but she doesn'tlaugh along with the rest of the world. Bright neon lights are just annoyances tonight.Clubs and restaurants are nixed before they reach them. Finally, in exasperation, he darts into a small alcohol store. He's in and out in less than five minutes, and they take the metro back to the Academy and her small space there.

"Dammit, Kara, all I wanted was a six-pack."

* * *

_drinking by the mausoleum door_

He watches the sunset alone, and it doesn't quite occur to him why he's alone till it's too late. He doesn't want to go back, but he does. Today is Zak's birthday; she's been the quietest today of all the days, even the funeral... It only makes sense. So he goes back, even though he doesn't want to.

Sure enough she's there, shattered glass against the cement tombstone; hard drink watering the roses on the grave.

"Well, you're utterly fracked. I think Zak would be disappointed in you."

And she doesn't hurl the bottle at his face (which she has been known to do). She just sighs and holds out her hand for him to help her up. "Yeah, well, you've gotta remember... I'm a screw-up, Lee."

"So say we all."

* * *

_and they found you on the bathroom floor_

"I'm going running."

She pokes her head out of the kitchen. "You do that a lot lately."

"Oh, and you don't?"

"No, just saying... don't kill yourself."

"Yeah, you too."

Someone comes and finds him when he's out. He's annoyed (to say the least), but annoyance quickly morphs to concern. "What?" As he runs back (at a harder, faster pace), he mutters to himself under his breath. "Dammit... dammit, dammit, dammit. Fracking... augh. Frack. Just frack it."

A med team is inside the flat and she's on the couch. "Captain Adama? We found her in there," the young tech gestures towards the bathroom, "and she's pretty fracked. Sorry sir, but I wouldn't let her do anymore vegetable slicing for awhile if I were you..." The rookie leaves the room as soon as possible.

Lee glances down the hallway towards the bathroom. The white tiles are covered in blood, and one of the kitchen knives is in the middle of it. "Dammit, Kara!"

* * *

_i miss you, i miss you so far_

He picks up the picture from her nightstand. "I remember this."

"Yeah, who took that?"

"Dunno... but I remember it. We tried you to get you to jump in the lake with us on that day, remember?"

"Yeah."

He puts the picture down and watches her tug at the blankets. "Goodnight, Kara."

"Wait... Lee, wait."

She answers his arched eyebrow by biting at her lower lip. "I need..."

And that's all she needs to say. He thinks it's kind of silly that she needs him to hold her, because really she doesn't. But that's in peace time, and in war, rules are broken. This is a war of memories, of feelings. An assault of nightmares on her brain, and her shields are buckling quickly.

Later on, during the real war, she still needs. And he still thinks it's silly. Even though he needs just as much.

* * *

_and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard_

The first time it happens, they're not thinking. They're just sitting and listening to some old fogey who was a friend of his dad's go on and on about what a sweet kid Zak was, and when they finally escape the torture she is on the verge of tears. Finding his arms is so easy to do, especially when he whispers, "Don't," in such a way that it sounds like Zak (who really was a sweet kid).

"I can't 'don't,'" she snaps quietly, and that's when it happens. It's so good and warm and safe and nearly familiar that she doesn't realize what they're doing for a few moments, but then she does. She shoves his shoulders hard and he lands on his ass on the bricks of the deserted sidewalk behind an old building that the Academy no longer uses.

"Dammit, Lee! We just... you can't do that! It just... can't! Aw... frack."

She walks a few paces away, hot tears sliding down her cheek. It infuriates her even more when he starts laughing, almost hysterically, still sitting on the hot pavement. "Frack you too, Thrace," and for a moment it almost feels like they're back in the Academy themselves. Almost, and then he remembers where he is and who they are, and the laughter ceases. "So ends day 27."

"Yeah... Frack you too, Apollo."


End file.
